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I failed. I failed so bad.

It was supposed to look like this:

…but actually looked like this:

I may have left it in the oven too long, I may have used the wrong type of pan. I should have not replaced puff pastry with pie dough.

Here’s the recipe from the accidental vegetarian if you want to give it a try.

Banana Tarte Tatin, serves 6

Ingredients:

• 3 + 1/2 tablespoons water
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 2 tablespoons unsalted butter
• 12 bananas, peeled and cut into 2-inch chunks
• 7 ounces ready-rolled puff pastry
• whipped cream, for topping

Instructions:

1. Preheat oven to 375°F
2. combine water and sugar in a pan over heat and let the sugar dissolve without stirring
3. then simmer until the sugar water is a golden color
4. add the butter to the golden sugar water
5. pour the golden butter sugar water into a 7-inch round pan
6. pack the bananas tightly into the pan
7. press the puff pastry over top and trim the edges
8. bake about 20 minutes until the pastry is crisp and golden
9. let cool until just warm, then flip the pan over onto a plate and…supposedly the whole thing is supposed to come out and look all pretty
10. then you can supposedly put whipped cream on it

I have no idea what it’s supposed to taste like.

I don’t really like eggs, but they seem so convenient. Here’s a recipe for huevos rancheros adapted from the accidental vegetarian. Everything I’ve made from this cookbook has been awesome…except for the banana tarte tatin, which was probably my fault…I’ll be writing about that tragedy soon.

Huevos Rancheros, serves 1

Ingredients:

• oil for frying
• 2 tablespoons butter
• 1 (or 2) eggs
• 2 warm corn tortillas
• for the salsa
• 1/4 onion, small dice
• 1/2 mild pepper of some sort
• a little hot sauce
• 1 clove garlic, minced
• 1/2 cup crushed tomatoes
• salt and pepper

Instructions:

1. mix all the salsa ingredients in a bowl
2. put some oil in your pan and add the salsa
3. make a hole in the middle of the salsa, or rather, create a “ring of salsa”
4. melt the butter inside the ring of salsa
5. break the egg (or two eggs, if you have room) into the ring
6. cover the pan and let cook for about 3 minutes, until the whites are set and the yolk is to your preference
7. attempt to slide the salsa-egg onto a place and accompany tortillas

If you want to make more than one serving, you have to repeat the process or get a couple pans going.

This is how they cook:

A lazy girl is a hungry girl.

I just don’t feel like cooking. When I don’t feel like cooking, I usually don’t have any food in the house that doesn’t require cooking. Therefore, I float along nutritionless until my hunger outweighs my laziness. Once it does, I have about five minutes to concoct something or I’ll drift away…metaphorically or something. This is cheesy toast; my mom used to make it for me.

Cheese Toast, serves 1
Ingredients:

• ONE slice of bread
• cream cheese
• shredded mozzarella
• salt
• paprika

Do you really need instructions for this? Fine.

1. spread the cream cheese of the bread. I suggest using a knife.
2. put the other stuff on it
3. broil in the toaster oven

Today is cake day.

The recipe is based on one from The America’s Test Kitchen Family Cookbook. Along with the 800-odd pages of recipes, the book focuses on processes: what worked for them and what didn’t, products: reviews of various ingredients and cooking supplies, and photos: I like photos.

Chocolate Cake, makes 2 9-inch rounds or 24 cupcakes

Ingredients:

• dry
• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 3/4 cup cocoa powder
• 1 + 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoons salt
• wet
• 1 + 1/2 sticks butter, unsalted!!! room temperature!!!
• 1 + 3/4 cups sugar
• 4 eggs, also room temperature!!!
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 1 + 1/2 cups whole milk, don’t forget: room temperature!!!

Instructions:

1. turn your oven to 350°F
2. prepare a couple 9-inch cake pans butter/flour style, or parchment paper style, whatever you have to do to keep the cake from getting stuck in the pan…or set up your cupcake pan
3. use your trusty wooden spoon to mix the drys in a bowl
4. should you choose the fancy route, get out your electric mixer and beat the butter and sugar until light and fluffy; otherwise, get a large bowl and a fork and mix the butter and sugar until your arm is too tired to continue
5. add an egg to your butter-sugar; mix. repeat 3 more times
6. mix in the vanilla
7. mix in 1/3 of the drys, carefully, so you don’t spray the counter with cocoa flour
8. stir in half the milk
9. go ahead and just dump in the rest of the flour and milk and stir it all up
10. pour the batter into your two meticulously prepared pans (or cupcake pan), evenly, so the cakes turn out equally good (or equally screwed up)
11. put them in the oven, obviously. wait 20-25 minutes. take them out when a toothpick, inserted in the cake, comes out with just a couple crumbs on it. no gooey stuff

OMG, this post is so long and I haven’t even got to the frosting yet.

Vanilla Frosting

Ingredients:

• 2 tablespoons whole milk
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• exactly 1 pinch of salt
• 2 + 1/2 sticks butter, unsalted, room temperature, blah, blah
• 2 + 1/2 cups powdered sugar

Instructions:

1. put all that butter in a bowl and stir up. so it’s smoooooth
2. mix in the powdered sugar
3. add the milk, vanilla and salt
4. just beat and beat and beat until it looks like fluffy bunnies and clouds, or whatever

Now, you can just stop here if you want. Rip off a chunk of cake and start scooping frosting into your mouth. If you want to actually frost your cake, please wait until it’s completely cooled.

If you plan on actually building this thing, you’ll have to devote about four hours of your day to cake. What, you’ve got more important things to do? I obviously didn’t.

Even though frozen and deflated (like my attitude), the ten blueberries resting atop my yogurt-granola really add some zing (also like my attitude), don’t you think?

Somedays, a lot of days, I go to the kitchen around dinner time. It’s a fairly predictive occurrence. Out of those times when I go to the kitchen, more often then not, I am in search of food. As one would expect. I go, I bake a potato, I eat the potato. I realize an hour later, I’m hungry. I go, I put some cream cheese on bread, I eat the cream cheese bread. A half-hour passes by, and I wonder why I didn’t just make a whole dinner and be done with it.

Now is the time to make dinner. This one took about 10 minutes from thinking about what to make to having the fork in my mouth. So it should take less time for you, I suppose.

Soba noodles with spinach, serves 1

Ingredients:

• a pot of boiling water
• buckwheat soba noodles
• 1 clove garlic, minced
• 1/4 inch slice fresh ginger, minced
• soy sauce
• rice or cider vinegar
• 1 handful spinach, chopped up into little pieces
• sesame seeds

Instructions:

1. cook the noodles in your pot of boiling water
2. take your noodles out of the water and place them in your soup bowl
3. leave some water in the pot for soup broth (maybe a cup and a half)
4. dump in the garlic, ginger and spinach
5. add soy sauce and vinegar to the water, to taste
6. as soon as it begins a boil, turn the heat off
7. pour your creation over the noodles
8. top with sesame seeds, for good looks

Eat that.